How I Learned I Had CPTSD
Opening up to a friend of mine, she mentioned she thought I might have CPTSD. My friend, an acupuncturist, was very in tune with trauma. She worked in wholeness healing among hospital professionals.
I was intrigued, as I had never heard of CPTSD. Having been in therapy for many years, not once had the term CPTSD come up.
She started by explaining
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I had heard of soldiers having PTSD and using art therapy to assist with their symptoms. She mentioned that while PTSD usually results from one trauma, CPTSD results when someone goes through many traumas.
I was eager to bring up the term with my therapist. Until recently, I never researched the topic. Here's what I found.
CPTSD is ongoing
According to the CPTSD Foundation, CPTSD is ongoing and usually occurs as a result of being hurt by another person. By ongoing, they mean suffering abuse over a long period. They add that CPTSD is repeated and results in betrayal and losing one's sense of safety.
As my friend explained, the CPTSD Foundation explained, PTSD stems more often from one event.
The numbers are staggering.
The CPTSD Foundation cited a 2013 report from the National Council for Behavioral Health (NCBH) that stated that "70% of adults, or 223.4 million people in the United States," have had at least one trauma during their lives.
As reported by the CPTSD Foundation, trauma affects childhood development. I related to what they said about a stunt in growth that occurs and a low sense of self-worth and even self.
Living in a constant state of fear
I related to reading about living in a constant state of hypervigilance, as expressed by the CPTSD Foundation. When I started writing this blog, I wanted readers to understand how this felt before adding my research.
I described an exercise to give you a sense of what I felt most of my life. Please consider going on a journey with me, or you can skip past the exercise.
Get comfortable, relax, and close your eyes. Take three deep breaths.
Let's find your happy place.
Think about where you feel the most peace. Whether snuggling warm and cozy in a heap of blankets or laying out in the sand near the ocean, imagine your "happy place."
Imagine yourself in your happy place, doing something you love. Next, use your senses to explore the scene further. What do you see? What do you hear? What can you touch? What do you feel? Really explore your happy place with your senses. Hopefully, you are feeling peace.
Please stay on this exercise as long as you want because I will take you on a bumpier ride next. I reason that you will understand the feelings of someone with CPTSD in the next step. When you are ready, let's continue.
What do you fear
Now, imagine a time you felt highly nervous or anxious. This may have been when boarding an airplane, walking through a crowded area, or approaching a podium to speak.
Similar to the exercise above, using your senses, what do you feel? Where do you feel these emotions in your body? What part of your body tenses up? What are you afraid of?
Sit in this moment for a while, not too long, but long enough to feel the fear. If needed, open your eyes or take time to return to your happy place.
Getting a sense of hypervigilance
This feeling of anxiety and fear is something I experienced the majority of the time. Trauma caused my brain to be on heightened alert to fear the world and my surroundings. My body was tight and tense, not knowing how to relax. I was in a constant state of flight or flight.
"It was not until I felt "normal" that I understood I was in a constant state of panic."
Experiencing flashbacks
I did not realize the memories I had of traumatic events were "flashbacks." After a lot of therapy, I now understand there are triggers in the environment that can cause flashbacks.
Flashbacks, for me, were intense memories, as if I were back at the event. They were frightening and intense and caused extreme anxiety to bolt throughout my body.
Dissociating from the present
The best way I can describe dissociation is it was like I spaced out. I went numb and was not really aware of what was going on around me. I dissociated quite a bit.
My therapist suggested that when I felt I was dissociating, I use my five senses to stay present. I was to look around and identify what I saw, felt, smelt, or heard. This did help.
Becoming aware I had dissociated was helpful. I did not realize I was doing this, nor as often as I did.
Re-victimizing myself
I only recently realized I was doing this when exploring my unhealthy past patterns in relationships. The best way I can explain this is to share a story about my parakeets.
They have spacious cages, and they are used to me feeding them. They receive water daily. They don't want to leave the cage door when I open it. I have to coax them out. They are comfortable in that cage.
Without knowing what is on the other side of trauma, perhaps I felt safe in those bad situations.
Feeling toxic shame
Shame was like a heavy blanket I wore, weighing me down and keeping me in bondage. If I had to use a color to describe shame, I would choose black or dark gray. Perhaps because shame was like a shadow that followed me everywhere.
Want to learn more?
Please visit the CPTSD Foundation website. Our "Resources" tab lists more resources.
