Tips for Identifying Unhealthy Patterns
1. Examine Your Past Relationships
Do you find yourself getting into a bad relationship after a bad relationship?
Please think back to your earliest relationship up to your latest one. Please take out a piece of paper or journal online on who these relationships were within one column, the partner's positive traits in another column, the partner's negative traits in another column, and then a column for how they made you feel.
With a highlighter, highlight what these partners had in common. Next, add the parent of the opposite sex to the list. Complete the columns. Are you identifying any trends?
This exercise helped me to uncover unhealthy patterns in my life. I did not see or hear of unhealthy relationship patterns until earlier this year. While I heard of marrying your mother or father, I never explored whether this applied to me.
2. Identify trends in your partners
I had married my father. The men I chose had similar traits as my dad.
Positive traits:
- Tough
- Outspoken
- Confident
- Analytical
- Detail-Oriented
- Hard-working
- Intelligent
- Funny
Negative traits:
- Emotionally unavailable
- Self-centered
- Critical
- Selfish
- Demanding
My feelings:
- Small
- Unseen
- Inferior
- Unworthy
- Scared
- Sad
I reflected on how often I felt lonely, sad, and empty. I often felt like my partners chose themselves, their hobbies, and their friends over me. I remember having hurt feelings.
They were very critical and demanded perfectionism. I never felt good enough.
3. Revisit early childhood experiences
Please think about experiences you had with the parent of the opposite sex. First, those experiences that bring up emotions you felt from past relationships.
I felt discouraged when trying to do things.
Whether I was doing the dishes, cleaning my room, making my bed, or completing other chores, I heard comments like, "You missed a spot," or "You are not doing it right."
These comments made me feel inadequate.
I remember getting kicked under the kitchen table or nudged when I was with my parents for saying the "wrong thing."
Many in my family, including my grandmother, said I talked too much. I became afraid to speak. I started to see where I thought poorly about myself.
Are you starting to identify when you began to feel negative about yourself? If so, this is a good start in your healing journey.
4. See others for who they are
The truth is, you cannot change your partner, your parents, or anyone else. They are who they are, just as you are who you are.
The good news is you can change yourself. You can change your mindset and feelings about yourself and recognize your worth.
When you were little, you thought your parents' word was gold. You took it to heart and believed everything they said. You could not put it into the context of their personality, flaws, and skillset.
Now, you can. You can consider your parents or partner's upbringing and life experiences and how they could have projected their shortcomings onto you. You no longer have to take what is said to heart.
For example, my partner and my dad will most likely say something critical about something I do.
After painting the entire basement in a beautiful hunter, green, nourishing color, my husband's first comment was, "You missed a spot." After cleaning my dad's car, he said the same thing.
I cannot change them, but I can change my reaction. "Oh, well, " I can say. Or I can be humorous and say, "Thanks for noticing." I can get them to look at themselves (maybe) by saying, "You would say that."
5. See yourself for who you are
We all have positive and negative traits. We are human. The ability to see our traits and accept ourselves is key to growth. I credit the psychologist Dr. Jordan Petersen with teaching me to watch myself and my behavior. I was open-minded and learned a lot about myself in a few weeks. I continue to learn. No longer bound by how others saw me, I did a self-assessment. By taking stock, I could acknowledge for myself who I am. While some of what others thought resonated with me, others did not. I realized I am resilient, hard-working, and dedicated to setting and meeting goals. I feel empathy and care about others. I am a life-long learner and love to grow. On the flip side, I was disorganized, easily distracted, and lacked self-discipline. I needed to change some habits, and I was not utilizing self-care.
6. Learn to speak your truth
I learned to speak my truth. I was no longer restrained by the voices that haunted me in childhood. I decided to be myself and speak my mind. It was time to form my opinion on current news, politics, religion, and whatever else I read or saw.
I was free to be me. I encourage you to speak your truth and, more importantly, be honest with yourself and others. Expect that not everyone will agree with you, and that is okay. You do not agree with everyone either. You can still be friends. Or if they walk away, let them go.
The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself.
7. Stand up for yourself
I learned to stand up for myself, too. I now question when insulted: "What did you say?" Sometimes, making someone repeat an insult will cause them to rephrase it. If not, I say, "I won't allow you to insult me."
8. Stay curious
I stay curious about my feelings and why I feel that way. Sometimes, I am triggered by something from my childhood, indicating that I have not yet dealt with my feelings from the event. I examine the event now and how I might handle it, but I also feel empathy and compassion for my younger self.
When we feel triggered, we can recollect the event with self-compassion. Feeling our emotions, we grieve and move forward. Most importantly, we should celebrate our growth.
