How to Identify Unhealthy Patterns

Tips for Identifying Unhealthy Patterns

1. Examine Your Past Relationships

Do you find yourself getting into a bad relationship after a bad relationship? Please think back to your earliest relationship up to your latest one. Please take out a piece of paper or journal online on who these relationships were within one column, the partner's positive traits in another column, the partner's negative traits in another column, and then a column for how they made you feel. With a highlighter, highlight what these partners had in common. Next, add the parent of the opposite sex to the list. Complete the columns. Are you identifying any trends? This exercise helped me to uncover unhealthy patterns in my life. I did not see or hear of unhealthy relationship patterns until earlier this year. While I heard of marrying your mother or father, I never explored whether this applied to me.

2. Identify trends in your partners

I had married my father. The men I chose had similar traits as my dad.

Positive traits:

• Tough
• Outspoken
• Confident
• Analytical
• Detail-Oriented
• Hard-working
• Intelligent
• Funny

Negative traits:

• Emotionally unavailable
• Self-centered
• Critical
• Selfish
• Demanding

My feelings:

• Small
• Unseen
• Inferior
• Unworthy
• Scared
• Sad

I reflected on how often I felt lonely, sad, and empty.  I often felt like my partners chose themselves, their hobbies, and their friends over me.  I remember having hurt feelings.

They were very critical and demanded perfectionism.  I never felt good enough. 

3. Revisit early childhood experiences

Please think about experiences you had with the parent of the opposite sex. First, those experiences that bring up emotions you felt from past relationships.

I felt discouraged when trying to do things.

Whether I was doing the dishes, cleaning my room, making my bed, or completing other chores, I heard comments like, "You missed a spot," or "You are not doing it right."  

These comments made me feel inadequate.

I remember getting kicked under the kitchen table or nudged when I was with my parents for saying the "wrong thing."

Many in my family, including my grandmother, said I talked too much. I became afraid to speak. I started to see where I thought poorly about myself.  

Are you starting to identify when you began to feel negative about yourself? If so, this is a good start in your healing journey.

 

4. See others for who they are

The truth is, you cannot change your partner, your parents, or anyone else. They are who they are, just as you are who you are. The good news is you can change yourself. You can change your mindset and feelings about yourself and recognize your worth. When you were little, you thought your parents' word was gold. You took it to heart and believed everything they said. You could not put it into the context of their personality, flaws, and skillset. Now, you can. You can consider your parents or partner's upbringing and life experiences and how they could have projected their shortcomings onto you. You no longer have to take what is said to heart. For example, my partner and my dad will most likely say something critical about something I do. After painting the entire basement in a beautiful hunter, green, nourishing color, my husband's first comment was, "You missed a spot." After cleaning my dad's car, he said the same thing. I cannot change them, but I can change my reaction. "Oh, well, " I can say. Or I can be humorous and say, "Thanks for noticing." I can get them to look at themselves (maybe) by saying, "You would say that."

5. See yourself for who you are

We all have positive and negative traits. We are human. The ability to see our traits and accept ourselves is key to growth. I credit the psychologist Dr. Jordan Petersen with teaching me to watch myself and my behavior. I was open-minded and learned a lot about myself in a few weeks. I continue to learn. No longer bound by how others saw me, I did a self-assessment. By taking stock, I could acknowledge for myself who I am. While some of what others thought resonated with me, others did not. I realized I am resilient, hard-working, and dedicated to setting and meeting goals. I feel empathy and care about others. I am a life-long learner and love to grow. On the flip side, I was disorganized, easily distracted, and lacked self-discipline. I needed to change some habits, and I was not utilizing self-care.

6. Learn to speak your truth

I learned to speak my truth. I was no longer restrained by the voices that haunted me in childhood. I decided to be myself and speak my mind. It was time to form my opinion on current news, politics, religion, and whatever else I read or saw. I was free to be me. I encourage you to speak your truth and, more importantly, be honest with yourself and others. Expect that not everyone will agree with you, and that is okay. You do not agree with everyone either. You can still be friends. Or if they walk away, let them go. The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself.

7. Stand up for yourself

I learned to stand up for myself, too. I now question when insulted: "What did you say?" Sometimes, making someone repeat an insult will cause them to rephrase it. If not, I say, "I won't allow you to insult me."

8. Stay curious

I stay curious about my feelings and why I feel that way. Sometimes, I am triggered by something from my childhood, indicating that I have not yet dealt with my feelings from the event. I examine the event now and how I might handle it, but I also feel empathy and compassion for my younger self.

When we feel triggered, we can recollect the event with self-compassion. Feeling our emotions, we grieve and move forward. Most importantly, we should celebrate our growth.

Are You Drowning in Debt?

Let me throw you a lifeline

Drowning in debt? I was there. But in just a few months, I turned my financial mess around. Here's how I did it and how you can, too.

1. Face the facts and create a budget

I started by using Google Sheets to build a detailed budget. Seeing my budget online forced me to confront the reality of my financial situation, including my credit score (ouch!).

My budget included tabs for tracking income, expenses (housing, transportation, food, etc.), debts, and investments.

2. Organize your debts

Next, I created a dedicated sheet to track all my loans and credit cards.

I included key information like minimum payments, due dates, interest rates, and remaining balances, which helped me prioritize which debts to tackle first.

3. Automate and excelerate

I set up autopay for all my bills to streamline payments and avoid late fees. For credit cards, I automated the statement balance for those with low balances and the minimum payment for those with higher balances.

4. Build your safety net

Following Dave Ramsey's advice, I focused on building a $1,000 emergency fund. The emergency fund provides a cushion for unexpected expenses and prevents me from relying on credit cards when things go wrong.

5. Cut back and find extra cash

By implementing these suggestions, you can create a more engaging, informative, and actionable blog post that resonates with your readers and helps them on their debt-free journey.

6. Use Dave Ramsey's Snowball Method

The psychological effect of paying off debt faster with Dave Ramsey's Snowball Method works.  Here's how it works:

1. List your debts from smallest to most significant without regard to the interest rate.
2. Make minimum payments on your debts, except the smallest.
3. Use the extra cash towards your smallest debt.
4. Pay off the smallest debt, then use those funds to tackle the next smallest debt, and so on.

7. Celebrate milestones

Using the snowball method, I saw results quickly and felt relief and happiness at meeting my goal of putting more money toward my debt.  Watching my finances made me less likely to want to put more on my credit cards.  Instead, I kept looking for things to cut out of my expenses.

8. Hustle on the side

Earlier in the year, I started working as a DoorDash dasher.  I liked this because as I met my goals, I became a premium dasher, which meant I could dash whenever I wanted.  The money is small, but I could make $50 - $80 a night.  Even if I work ten evenings, $500 - $800 a month is quite an accomplishment.

There are many side hustles out there.  I encourage you to find one that works for you.  Some examples are house sitting, pet sitting, selling things on Etsy, blogging, coaching, and many others.  

These are a few things I started and have seen results within only a few months.

How Does Cleaning Your Room Help?

Need a boost in self-confidence?

I remember hearing Canadian psychologist Dr. Jordan Petersen talk about how he assists clients: He asks them to clean their rooms.  As a psychology major and viewer of shows on hoarding, I was confident that our room reflects our state of mind.  His advice made sense.

My room was undoubtedly a mess.  Clothes were piled three feet high on the floor; dust flew around my dresser like dirt surrounding PigPen in the Peanuts.

My trash had difficulty finding its way to the trash can.  Oh, wait, I was missing a trash can in my bedroom.

I liked Dr. Petersen's approach of taking baby steps to clean your room.  He talks about first looking at it and only thinking about where to begin.  That was a baby step.  

Part of what was making me feel overwhelmed was the amount of clothes I had.  My closet and dresser were full.  Where would I put the clothes that were on the floor?

I tacked the piles a few times, but not with great speed.  I needed more motivation.  I found a video on YouTube that resonated with me.  The speaker (who I cannot find now) talked about self-talk during cleaning.  

I started saying, "I like to clean, and I am good at it," as she suggested.  After cleaning, she said, "Wow, that looks good, and it wasn't so hard."  

By implementing self-talk, I finished my room and cleaned my office.  

"I'll do it later" is a famous saying I say to myself at least ten times a day.  Part of my growth in cleanliness was to do it now!  I have been working to clean up as I go for the past month.  Whether it is moving my dishes to the kitchen (and cleaning them) or putting things in the trash (I put one in each room), I am cleaning up as I go.  

I check a few times a week, so I do not get lazy (which I do at times).  Cleaning as you go helps prevent things from getting out of hand and becoming overwhelming.

I feel more at ease when I keep my house clean.  I am better at picking up after myself.  Now, keep in mind that I have Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), which makes things challenging.

I cleaned as I went into the kitchen and made meals.  I also look for solutions to aid my messiness.  As I mentioned, I have a trash can in every room.  I put five clean trash bags at the bottom to make changing bags easier.

I placed a trash can in my car to ensure the trash was in its place.  

If you feel overwhelmed at cleaning your home, I encourage you to start small.  

 

Learning to Tell the Truth and Be Authentic

You never lie, right?  Me either!

Learning to Parent Myself

Who's in charge here?

My inner child and my teenage self were in charge. I felt like I was in a tug-of-war between them both. Being pulled in two different directions, I had to find a way to balance the two and make them work together.

Why parenting ourselves is important

I learned the importance of parenting myself. I had to be gentle with my inner child and teenage self, showing them love and compassion. I also had to be firm with them and hold them accountable for their actions. 

 I became less self-critical, learning that mistakes were lessons I could benefit from. I watched myself closely and tried to determine the motivations for my actions. Was I doing things to get others to like me? Or was I doing things out of a genuine sense of self-love?

These questions helped me to become a better parent to myself.

We can make better choices

Parenting myself meant getting enough sleep, eating healthier, and making choices that benefited my life. Most importantly, I had to learn how to love and accept myself for who I was. The problem is I didn't know who that was, so I had to watch myself and my behavior for several weeks.

What bad behavior?

I admit I told fake stories to get others to like me. I also dropped the names of people to look better. When I was hurt or angry, I talked about people behind their backs. I told lies. I felt disappointed with my behavior.

 It was no wonder I did not have self-respect or high self-esteem.

We need to run the show

I now understand that when we don't heal properly, we allow our inner child and our younger teenage selves to run the show. The truth is that they want you to lead. They need you to be in charge. You can re-parent yourself, love yourself, and discipline yourself.

Transformation begins with you, wherever you are. Dr. Jordan Petersen, a renowned Canadian psychologist, suggests several things I should put in my toolbox, including watching myself.

 "Like a snake," he says. I started to watch myself, my actions, what I said, and everything. I realized my life was out of control. My inner child and teenage self were running rampant.

Honoring our younger selves

I can do things my inner child would enjoy, like snack on candies or visit a beautiful light display. However, I stopped indulging in childish things. My younger teenager loved to leave her trash around, and disorganization was prominent when she was in charge. 

Growing up, I cleaned up after myself, especially in common areas.  

We don't discard our younger selves; we recognize them within us. We begin as adults. I encourage you to honor and heal your younger versions. 

Are you taking charge?

Most importantly, I challenge you to take charge.

Learning to Connect with my Teenage Self

Tips for connecting with your teenage self

1. Be open-minded to having a teenage self

I was super nervous about connecting with my teenage self. I was unsure of how she would react to seeing me. I was worried about our conversation and how it would affect our relationship. I was anxious about the outcome.

2. Remember your middle and high school experiences

I thought about my experiences in middle and high school. As an athlete, scholar, and rebel, I was busy in many activities.

I began looking at pictures of myself to recollect memories. I remembered my old boyfriend and being very jealous and insecure then. I was overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and regret. 

I realized that I had wasted precious time and that I could have had better relationships if I had just taken the time to work on myself.

3. Be gentle with yourself 

I decided that I would learn from my mistakes and strive to be a better person in the future. I was determined to make better decisions and to make sure to never make the same mistakes again.

4. Revisit painful experiences 

There were painful memories of abuse by a teacher. Recollecting the memories and feeling emotions, I suppressed was difficult. I was determined to never let anyone hurt me like that again. I was determined to be strong and to stand up for myself. I was determined to be the person I wanted to be.

5. Be self-compassionate

At the urging of my therapist, I looked back on these years with self-compassion. I was able to recognize my strength and resilience. I was able to forgive myself for the mistakes I had made and to move forward. I was no longer a victim; I was a survivor.

6. Remember the positive of what you learned 

Even though most of my strivings came from people pleasing, I am grateful for my studious habits. I am proud of the person I have become and the lessons I have learned. I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and become a better version of myself.

I felt shame when remembering my peers making fun of me, calling me "teacher's pet" or "brown-noser." But I am proud of myself for being determined and for not giving in to peer pressure. I am proud of myself for not taking shortcuts and for working hard to achieve my goals. I am proud of myself for not giving up on myself.

7. Write letters, meditate, and do exercises to connect with your teenage self

In my letters to my teenage self, I healed. I connected with her in a way I did not think was possible. I felt for her and all she had been through. I told her she would be okay. I became a friend to her that I never had at that age. I admired her for all she overcame and her resilience in her struggles. I was able to forgive her for the mistakes she made. I was able to give her the love and support she never had. I showed her that she was not alone.

8.  Love your teenage self

The photographs gave me a chance to remember how pretty I was. I appreciated my youth and all my beauty. I cherished the moments I had with her and remembered the lessons she taught me.

 

Learning to Connect with My Inner Child

Have you met your inner child?

1.  Be open-minded to having an inner child

Somewhere on my journey, I remembered hearing about the importance of connecting with my inner child. Most likely from searching the Internet and listening to others' stories, I remembered a few exercises to try. 

2.  Try writing to your inner child

The first exercise involved writing a letter to my child in my right hand. I also responded to my adult self in a letter using my left (less dominant) hand. I felt scared but grateful for hearing what my inner child might say. I was shocked when I read the letters. My inner child had a lot to say. 

I felt a deep sense of connection and understanding   The exchange was definitely helpful.

I gained insight into my thoughts and feelings, a better understanding of my childhood, and how it relates to my current life.  It was a powerful and emotional experience that I will never forget. 

This experience made me realize that I need to take more time to reflect on my life and to be mindful of my thoughts and actions.  It was a beautiful reminder of the strength and resilience of the human spirit.

3   Try meditating - there are several meditations on YouTube

Another exercise I used was meditation. With an open mind, I asked my inner child where she wanted to meet.  On a sandy beach by the ocean, we met.  She was about three years old and was playing in the sand. 

There was a log on the beach.  In my mind, I sat on the log, watching her play. She smiled at me, and I smiled back. I could feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. I felt a sense of peace and joy. Yet it took several meditation sessions before she joined me on the log. I had to earn her trust.

Finally, after getting to know my inner child, we revisited some of the situations in which she suffered neglect or abuse. I was told to ask her what she needed from me. She seemed to make the room disappear in one situation and wanted to leave. 

These meditation experiences were valuable. I gained insight into what my inner child needed and how I could better meet those needs. I also healed the wounds of the past and created a more positive future.

4. Explore art therapy

A third exercise involved art.  This exercise allowed me to express my feelings visually and to gain a better understanding of my emotions. It also helped me to create a sense of peace and clarity. I encouraged my inner child to draw as well. 

 The artwork helped me release emotions I had stored for years. When I finished it, I felt a sense of accomplishment and pride. It was a rewarding experience that I will always cherish.

5.  Be playful

Another way I connected with my inner child was by doing playful and fun things, such as going to the movies, sitting on a playground, or even buying stickers. I also enjoyed playing board games or doing arts and crafts. 

Taking time to appreciate the little things was a great way to connect with my inner child. I look forward to continuing this connection throughout my life. It helps me stay grounded and connected to my true self. I look forward to creating more fun memories with my inner child.

I created a few videos for connecting with your inner child on YouTube:

Can You Improve Your Life with Therapy?

Have You Ever Been to Therapy?

How do you feel about therapy?  Does the thought of sharing the most vulnerable parts of you feel scary?  

"I have been in therapy most of my life. I have learned a thing or two." 

Here are 6 things I have learned from therapy

1.  Shop for the right therapist

There are many therapists out there.  Some you can visit in person, and others virtually using Zoom.  Therapists have their own methods of practice.  Some listen, relying on you to solve problems as you talk in an open, trusting environment.  Others introduce helpful tips as you speak.

Some therapists are goal-oriented and work with patients to establish and meet goals.  Therapists can use a combination of methods in their practice.  Hopefully, as you "test out" a therapist, you will find one who meets your personality and therapy needs.

The important thing I learned is to shop around.  Have a few sessions and decide if the therapist works for you.  Some have worked for me, and some have not.

You want to have someone with experience with your struggles.  For instance, if you have been diagnosed with something, find a therapist with expertise.

Of course, you must consider therapy costs and may be limited in finding a therapist in your health network.

2.  Be Open and Vulnerable

Remember, what you say in therapy stays in therapy.  While it takes time to build trust, try to open up before you feel that trust.  The more you open up, the more your therapist can guide you to creative solutions.

Start where you can.  If you do not want to start with the most horrific thing that happened in your life, choose another starting point.  At some point, I do encourage you to open up about everything.

If you have not been one to share openly before, this will feel awkward at first.  Yet, with time, as you feel more trust, talking openly gets easier.

I have shared my marriage, children, childhood experiences, traumas, and beliefs.  I have also shared my progress and how my choices and behavior are improving.  

3.  Don't Sugar Coat the Experience 

You are not there to be liked or judged.  If something made you irate, then state it.  If you feel lonely, say it.  Say how you feel as you open up about past experiences.  Realize that it is okay to have various emotions about events. 

There were many memories I explored with my therapist.  Most of which incited negative, unfelt emotions, but that was okay.  I got them out by talking through the experiences and feeling the feelings.  This allowed me to process the memories and move forward.  It was a difficult journey but worth it in the end.

For example, my mother had her hands full caring for my Down syndrome brother.  My older sister was diagnosed with diabetes at a young age.  I felt alone and isolated.  I was desperate for someone to talk to and share my experiences.  I needed my family to understand me and be there for me.  I wanted them to be my rock in times of struggle.

I did not see the positive at first, but watching her care for them taught me the importance of resilience and resourcefulness.  It also showed me the power of love and support.  Instead, I focused on the feeling of loneliness.  By talking about the experience, I could see my perspective lender's and my siblings' perspectives.

4.  Revisiting topics is helpful

As you heal, you may remember more about a topic or event.  Revisiting past topics is perfectly normal.  You may have to talk about a particular trauma at length over the years before healing.  Learning about emotions and feelings helped me move through my experiences.

There is a grieving process required to release trauma and memories.  I learned this much later.  Before learning this, I thought of events over and over in my mind.  Remembering events over and over is a key that you have not yet worked through something.

5.  Learn about emotions

Emotions go much deeper than the basic emotions of happy, sad, mad, etc.  More significant emotions for happiness are ecstatic, joyful, and wonderful.

One prominent study from the University of California, Berkeley, identified 27 distinct categories of emotion, such as admiration, adoration, aesthetic appreciation, amusement, anger, anxiety, awe, awkwardness, boredom, calmness, confusion, craving, disgust, empathic pain, entrancement, excitement, fear, horror, interest, joy, nostalgia, relief, romance, sadness, satisfaction.  Emotion classification.  (2024, December 4)   In Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotion_classification

I encourage you to pay attention to your emotions. As my therapist says, "Get curious." 

Initially, I was unaware of why I felt what I felt.  Sometimes, the revelation of "why" came hours or days later.  Later, I understood from listening to YouTube that exploring where Ifeltg emotions in my body was a good idea.

For example, I used to feel afraid anytime my husband came to talk to me.  I felt worried I had done something wrong.  I realized these feelings stemmed from our marriage when he yelled, which frightened me.  Over the years, he has worked on this.  Therefore, my feelings were a part of PTSD.  I am aware of this now.

Fortunately, I learned that feelings do pass by sitting in my emotions, even the hardest ones to feel.  I am sure you have heard someone say, "Feelings are like clouds."  I now understand this by experience.  When we feel our feelings, we honor them and ourselves.

6.  Learn to sit in emotions

I was not identifying my emotions, never mind "sitting in them," as my therapist said.  My therapist encouraged me by saying feelings come and go, and by sitting in them, I acknowledge them.  I have since learned I can challenge them, too.  

Resources

If you want to know more about finding the right therapist, I encourage you to select our "Resources" tab.